My First ever stand up comedy piece.

[bringollie]

Im 15, i thought id start writing now. I hope it gets better, lol :) :) :)
Plus this is only the start, btw.


So, holidays. I love going on holiday, its great, but the journeys always make it that much harder, especially if you’ve got a family like mine- a perfect example is my mother. Slowest driver you’ll ever come across, and I’m not kidding. I mean, we’re driving along this main road that runs past my house, and every time a car drives past, we slow down. Not only that, but her head bobs in time…
VVVRRRoom *ducks head at start of noise, puts it up at end*
VVVVRRoom *ducks head at start of noise, puts it up at end*
So because of this irrational fear of cars on the other side of the road, my mum prefers to go cross country. On foot.

When you finally make it to Heathrow or Gatwick or wherever, have noticed how suddenly every body’s voice has changed an octave with the stress … Ollie did pack spare pants? Shit, where are the tickets? Do you need the toilet?
So we finally get on the plane, and I swear to god, every time we get the male steward looking after our cabin … ‘Do you want some peanuts? Cause I sure want yours …’ So we endure the flight, and finally make it to the beach. I say the journeys make it harder, but once you get there, you always have to contend with sunburn. Sunburn, it’s awful. I always find I get it on one shoulder, I mean I can get my left shoulder fine *mimes squiggling out some sun cream onto right hand, rubbing it on left shoulder*
Then I get to the right shoulder …
*attempts to rub in sun cream on right shoulder with right hand, fail*

May be continued

[aussiefan]

haha lol rofl that was funny bro. I swear, i haven't laughed like that in ages. Seriously, I know I couldn't write or think like you can when i was 15. Amazing. Funny, funny shit, bro.

[BenHertz]

Tell us about your ZANY dad! How crazy is he?!?

[bringollie]

ty for the replies ... keep em coming!

[Roddimus]

wow, homophobia AND matriarchal resentment.

[bringollie]

wow, homophobia AND matriarchal resentment.

Wow, idiocism and egotisticism.

Look i know big words too!
(sorry if that came across arrogantly, i didnt mean it)
But, can i have feedback too?

[scotch-romanian]

good job

[ME!!!!]

Sample of my stand-up routine.




SO this bitch airplane stewardist wouldn't give me any more peanuts so I bit off her nose like this (Picks up small child from the audience and proceeds to eat the child)





mmmmmmmmmmmmmm DATS GOOD(,) BABY!

the comma represents to two meanings of the sentence AAAAAAAAARRRRRFFFF

[scotch-romanian]

So the captain was all like "we'll be landing shortly" and I'm like "Excuse me? We're over a freaking ocean!"

Little did I know that by 'shortly' he meant 10 minutes. If they had just EXPLAINED it to me beforehand when they were telling me about the seatblelts.....

[ME!!!!]

You should have written down his name and reported his dumb ass

[ME!!!!]

From now on only travel by blimp!

[ME!!!!]

And by BLIMP I MEAN YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhnohedidn"t

[scotch-romanian]

Everyone text 001 on your phone if you think I should have reported him.

[ME!!!!]

001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 001 I"M VOTING MULTIPLE TIMES BECAUSE I LUV YOURHAIRcut!

[bringollie]

And by BLIMP I MEAN YOU'RE GIRLFRIEND ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhnohedidn"t

Lol BURNED!

[ME!!!!]

Don't cross me buddy

http://www.thewhitenoiserevisited.co.uk/images/Crosseyes.jpg

OMG LOK AT HERE EYES WTF!

[scotch-romanian]

My girlfriend is kinda chunky............





Text 004 if you think I should dump her.

[ME!!!!]

004








I'm only voting once because I don't want her to know I'm hoping to hit that on the rebound

[scotch-romanian]

And Then The Plane Crashed!

[scotch-romanian]

Text 911 if you... er wait too low. :(

[scotch-romanian]

WHlCH IS WHAT THE PILOT SAID WHEN...

[scotch-romanian]

004








I'm only voting once because I don't want her to know I'm hoping to hit that on the rebound

we have a winner folks!

[ME!!!!]

http://www.mantecausd.net/MHS/Manteca%20Murals/We%20will%20Never%20Forget%209-11-01.JPG




AND I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[scotch-romanian]

You didn't let me finish...

His name is Ollie and he wins the Greatest Amateur Teen Comic Who's Probably From England Because He Mentioned Heathrow Airport In His "Act" award!


Sorry ME!!! I'm keeping her :(

[ME!!!!]

His name is Ollie and he's won the Greatest Amateur Teen Comic Who's Probably From England Because He Mentioned Heathrow Airport In His "Act" award!

whatthefuckareyoutalkingaboutseriously?

[scotch-romanian]

this dude:

Im 15, i thought id start writing now. I hope it gets better, lol :) :) :)
Plus this is only the start, btw.


So, holidays. I love going on holiday, its great, but the journeys always make it that much harder, especially if you’ve got a family like mine- a perfect example is my mother. Slowest driver you’ll ever come across, and I’m not kidding. I mean, we’re driving along this main road that runs past my house, and every time a car drives past, we slow down. Not only that, but her head bobs in time…
VVVRRRoom *ducks head at start of noise, puts it up at end*
VVVVRRoom *ducks head at start of noise, puts it up at end*
So because of this irrational fear of cars on the other side of the road, my mum prefers to go cross country. On foot.

When you finally make it to Heathrow or Gatwick or wherever, have noticed how suddenly every body’s voice has changed an octave with the stress … Ollie did pack spare pants? Shit, where are the tickets? Do you need the toilet?
So we finally get on the plane, and I swear to god, every time we get the male steward looking after our cabin … ‘Do you want some peanuts? Cause I sure want yours …’ So we endure the flight, and finally make it to the beach. I say the journeys make it harder, but once you get there, you always have to contend with sunburn. Sunburn, it’s awful. I always find I get it on one shoulder, I mean I can get my left shoulder fine *mimes squiggling out some sun cream onto right hand, rubbing it on left shoulder*
Then I get to the right shoulder …
*attempts to rub in sun cream on right shoulder with right hand, fail*

May be continued


(the winning entry)

[ME!!!!]

he's funny weard u here about him?

[scotch-romanian]

my space

[bringollie]

Well deducted, im english. chz for feedback :):):)

[joebert]

English muffins.

[bringollie]

English muffins.

What is with that? honestly, you can only buy 'english muffins' in America, never seen one over here. And french fries, theyre not called that in france (unsurprisingly) but theyre not FROM france either. P.S do you but 'american hotdogs' over there? cause you do here. but theres no 'english hotdogs'

sorry for oing of on a bit of a slant there ...

[AndersLevant]

You can buy Texas Toast in Texas so your whole argument is now totally fucked.

[ME!!!!]

I can vouge that I've partaken of Virginia Ham in Virginia too

[AndersLevant]

Also, you can get the Texas Double Whopper in Texas.

[ME!!!!]

California rolls in california? fuck they were invented there

[AndersLevant]

And they sell Carolina Barbecue in North Carolina.

[ME!!!!]

and South! but north carolina's is way better. Chicago style pizza anyone?

[AndersLevant]

Arizona Iced Tea?

[AndersLevant]

Georgia peaches?

[ME!!!!]

I've been to mexico and there's nothing but fucking mexican food.








and macdonalds

[bringollie]

I humbly accept that i just got TOTALLY FRICKIN' OWNED!
im beginning to like you guys...
any points on my actual comedy?

[joebert]

I was out in my Florida Room earlier.

[ME!!!!]

I humbly accept that i just got TOTALLY FRICKIN' OWNED!
im beginning to like you guys...
any points on my actual comedy?

it sucks, relearn everything again. Stop listening to whatever comedy you are listening to. I can't tell if you're a gimmick account just trying to display everything that could possibly be shitty about a comedian or if you're just and ignorant kid. If you're the latter, go out and buy the complete series of Kids in the hall and mr.show, watch them do that, then watch friday night stand-up on comedy central, if it wasn't one of the comedians you saw on Mr.Show do the opposite of what they are doing.

[DoctorDelicious]

Im confused, this thread about food has stand up comedy in it. Get back to talking about the vittles, Im so fucking hungry dudez

[aussiefan]

I love you, Me. This kid's next post will be magnificent no matter what.