Have you ever noticed....

[agent_PUNT]

You can't spell Funeral without F-U-N.

I think it would be so funny if you went up to some mourners outside of a funeral home and started laughing and said "oh my, god I JUST realized... you really CAN'T spell funeral without F-U-N!"

I will pay (not pay) anyone $100.00 to tape that and send it (don't send it) to me.

[agent_PUNT]

Would you rather have:

a) A moustache made of diarreha
OR
b) A goatee made of AIDS ?

(Answer at bottom of post)



Also I think it would be super funny if God's only weakness was that he had absolutely no "Gaydar"....like I'm talking zero, not a clue....he's letting in all these sinners into heaven, and all the angels are kinda wondering: Should we tell him? Are we allowed to point this out?

(The correct answer was B, however I also would have accepted "C, pubic hairs made out of marble")

Thanks.

a_P

[I'M WASTED]

i would go with D, none of the above.

[kulguyssj4]

That's a pretty messed up joke. But not nearly as much of a joke as the US Government

[agent_PUNT]

Have you ever been walking down the street and stopped, and thought to yourself "What shirt am I wearing?" and you think about it for a second, but you can't remember what shirt you put on under your sweater, so you have to take a peek, and then you are like "Oh yeah!" and then you keep on walking.


Please tell me that I'm not the only one who goes through this?

[Treebeard]

nope thats just you. in other news, what's it like to be a lonely old man who lives with his mom?

[agent_PUNT]

That ofcourse is a trick question, how would he be lonely if he had his mother there?

Nice try Treebeard!

Oh I notice that by your little title you are official friends with Julie...

Just out of curiousity, how does one become official friends with a person that they have only talked to through the internet?

Or does it happen simply by not having any real friends?

Kind of a default loser internet thing I don't know about?

[apotatojudge]

PUNT's talkin' some shit!


You're an unofficial friend, Treebird - I never made a commitment.


Uhm, no one helped me out with my Layla problem. And I was fucking serious.

[agent_PUNT]

Sleepless in Seattle.

[mad tv fan]

Originally posted by apotatojudge
PUNT's talkin' some shit!



Uhm, no one helped me out with my Layla problem. And I was fucking serious.

well im pretty sure it is one of these apotatoejudge

Risk Pool, The (2006) (announced) .... Sam Hill
Cold Case, A (2005) (announced) .... Andy Rosenzweig
Polar Express, The (2004) (post-production) .... The Conductor/Hero Boy


Terminal, The (2004) .... Viktor Navorski
Ladykillers, The (2004) .... Professor G.H. Dorr
Catch Me If You Can (2002) .... Carl Hanratty
Road to Perdition (2002) .... Michael 'Mike' Sullivan
"Band of Brothers" (2001) (mini) TV Series .... British officer
Cast Away (2000) .... Chuck Noland


Toy Story 2 (1999/II) (VG) .... Woody
Green Mile, The (1999) .... Paul Edgecomb
... aka Stephen King's The Green Mile (1999) (USA: complete title)
Toy Story 2 (1999) (voice) .... Sheriff Woody
You've Got Mail (1998) .... Joe Fox aka NY152
Saving Private Ryan (1998) .... Capt. John Miller
"From the Earth to the Moon" (1998) (mini) TV Series .... Jean-Luc Despont/Host/Narrator
That Thing You Do! (1996) .... Mr. White
Toy Story (1995) (voice) .... Woody
Apollo 13 (1995) .... Jim Lovell
... aka Apollo 13: The IMAX Experience (2002) (USA: IMAX version)
Vault of Horror I (1994) (TV)
Forrest Gump (1994) .... Forrest Gump
Philadelphia (1993) .... Andrew Beckett
Sleepless in Seattle (1993) .... Sam Baldwin
League of Their Own, A (1992) .... Jimmy Dugan
Radio Flyer (1992) (uncredited) .... Older Mike
Bonfire of the Vanities, The (1990) .... Sherman McCoy
Joe Versus the Volcano (1990) .... Joe Banks


Turner & Hooch (1989) .... Det. Scott Turner
'burbs, The (1989) .... Ray Peterson
Punchline (1988) .... Steven Gold
Big (1988) .... Josh
Dragnet (1987) .... Pep Streebeck
Every Time We Say Goodbye (1986) .... David
Nothing in Common (1986) .... David Basner
Money Pit, The (1986) .... Walter Fielding, Jr.
Volunteers (1985) .... Lawrence Bourne III
Man with One Red Shoe, The (1985) .... Richard
Bachelor Party (1984) .... Rick Gassko
Splash (1984) .... Allen Bauer
Mazes and Monsters (1982) (TV) .... Robbie Wheeling
... aka Dungeons and Dragons (1982) (TV) (USA: video box title)
... aka Rona Jaffe's Mazes and Monsters (1982) (TV)
"Bosom Buddies" (1980) TV Series .... Kip 'Buffy' Wilson
He Knows You're Alone (1980) .... Elliot
... aka Blood Wedding (1980)



Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Producer - filmography
(In Production) (2000s) (1990s)

"Pacific War, The" (2006) (mini) TV Series (announced) (executive producer)
Risk Pool, The (2006) (announced) (producer)
Cold Case, A (2005) (announced) (producer)
Great Hartford Elementary Heist, The (2005) (announced) (producer)
Magnificent Desolation (2005) (announced) (producer)
Where the Wild Things Are (2005) (announced) (producer)
Spider and the Fly, The (2004) (announced) (producer)
Polar Express, The (2004) (post-production) (executive producer)


Connie and Carla (2004) (producer)
"My Big Fat Greek Life" (2003) TV Series (executive producer)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) (producer)
... aka Mariage à la grecque (2002) (Canada: French title)
We Stand Alone Together (2001) (TV) (executive producer)
"Band of Brothers" (2001) (mini) TV Series (executive producer)
"West Point" (2000) TV Series (executive producer)
Cast Away (2000) (producer)


"From the Earth to the Moon" (1998) (mini) TV Series (executive producer)



Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Director - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1980s)

"Band of Brothers" (2001) (mini) TV Series (part 5 "Crossroads")


"From the Earth to the Moon" (1998) (mini) TV Series (part one)
That Thing You Do! (1996)
Vault of Horror I (1994) (TV) (segment "None but the lonely heart")
"Fallen Angels" (1993) TV Series (episode "I'll Be Waiting")
"League of Their Own, A" (1993) TV Series (episode "The Monkey's Curse")


"Tales from the Crypt" (1989) TV Series (episode "None but the Lonely Heart")
... aka "HBO's Tales from the Crypt" (1989)



Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Writer - filmography
(2000s) (1990s)

"Band of Brothers" (2001) (mini) TV Series (part 1)


"From the Earth to the Moon" (1998) (mini) TV Series (segments 6, 7, 11, 12)
That Thing You Do! (1996) (written by)



Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Miscellaneous Crew - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1980s)

Making of 'Band of Brothers', The (2001) (TV) (special thanks)


Toy Story 2 (1999) (singer: "You've Got a Friend in Me")


Dragnet (1987) (singer: "City of Crime")



Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Composer - filmography

That Thing You Do! (1996) (songs)



Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Himself - filmography
(2000s) (1990s) (1980s)

World War II Memorial Dedication (2004) (TV) .... Himself; guest speaker
76th Annual Academy Awards, The (2004) (TV) .... Himself - Presenter: Bob Hope Tribute
People Like Us: Making 'Philadelphia' (2003) (V) .... Himself
Rebels of Oakland: The A's, the Raiders, the '70s (2003) (TV) .... Himself (Oakland Resident 1966-1976)
Horatio's Drive: America's First Road Trip (2003) (TV) (voice) .... Horatio Nelson Jackson
Concert for George, The (2003) (TV) .... Himself
Intimate Portrait: Penny Marshall (2003) (TV) .... Himself
'Catch Me If You Can': Behind the Camera (2003) (V) .... Himself
75th Annual Academy Awards, The (2003) (TV) .... Himself - Past winner
Hollywood Celebrates Denzel Washington: An American Cinematheque Tribute (2003) (TV) .... Himself
54th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards, The (2002) (TV) .... Himself
AFI Life Achievement Award: A Tribute to Tom Hanks (2002) (TV) .... Himself/Honoree
Making of 'Road to Perdition', The (2002) (TV) .... Himself
Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Celebration, The (2002) (TV) .... Himself
74th Annual Academy Awards, The (2002) (TV) .... Himself - Presenter: Best Picture
America: A Tribute to Heroes (2001) (TV) .... Himself
Making of 'Band of Brothers', The (2001) (TV) .... Himself
Making of 'Cast Away', The (2001) (V) .... Himself
Wilson: The Life and Death of a Hollywood Extra (2001) (V) .... Himself
Rescued From the Closet (2001) (V) .... Himself
73rd Annual Academy Awards, The (2001) (TV) .... Himself
Orange British Academy Film Awards, The (2001) (TV) .... Himself
What Lies Beneath: Constructing the Perfect Thriller (2001) (TV) .... Himself
Behind the Scenes: Cast Away (2000) (V) .... Himself
Twentieth Century Fox: The Blockbuster Years (2000) (TV) .... Himself
Shooting War (2000) (TV) .... Himself/Narrator
Walking the Mile (2000) (V) .... Himself
... aka Walking the Mile: The Making of 'The Green Mile' (2000) (V) (USA)
2000 Blockbuster Entertainment Awards (2000) (TV) (uncredited) .... Presenter


Saturday Night Live: 25th Anniversary (1999) (TV) .... Himself
Stephen King: Shining in the Dark (1999) (TV) .... Himself
Miracle of 'The Green Mile', The (1999) (TV) .... Himself
Into the Breach: 'Saving Private Ryan' (1998) (V) .... Himself
Return to Normandy (1998) (V) .... Himself
... aka Making of 'Saving Private Ryan', The (1998) (V) (UK)
Saturday Night Live: Game Show Parodies (1998) (V) .... Himself
Saturday Night Live: The Best of Mike Myers (1998) (V) .... Himself (Guest Host)
Christopher Reeve: A Celebration of Hope (1998) (TV) .... Himself
"Celebrity Profile" (1997) TV Series .... Himself
Story Behind 'Toy Story', The (1997) (V) .... Himself
I Am Your Child (1997) (TV) .... Himself
Lost Moon: The Triumph of Apollo 13 (1996) (V) .... Himself
68th Annual Academy Awards, The (1996) (TV) .... Himself - Presenter: Best Actress
American Film Institute Salute to Steven Spielberg, The (1995) (TV) .... Himself (host)
Celluloid Closet, The (1995) .... Himself
... aka Celluloid Closet (1996) (France)
... aka Gefangen in der Traumfabrik (1995) (Germany)
67th Annual Academy Awards, The (1995) (TV) .... Himself - Best Actor Winner/Presenter: Best Actress
Through the Eyes of Forrest Gump (1994) (TV) .... Himself
Wonderful World of Disney: 40 Years of Television Magic, The (1994) (TV) .... Himself
66th Annual Academy Awards, The (1994) (TV) .... Himself - Best Actor Winner
65th Annual Academy Awards, The (1993) (TV) (uncredited) .... Himself


Saturday Night Live: 15th Anniversary (1989) (TV) .... Himself
61st Annual Academy Awards, The (1989) (TV) .... Himself/nominee (best leading actor "Big")



Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Archive Footage


101 Biggest Celebrity Oops (2004) (TV) .... Himself
Geschichte des erotischen Films, Die (2004) (TV)
Lord Stanley's Cup: Hockey's Ultimate Prize (2000) (V) (uncredited) .... Himself
Harryhausen Chronicles, The (1998) (TV) .... Himself
50 Years of Funny Females (1995) (TV) .... Himself
Filmography as: Actor, Producer, Director, Writer, Miscellaneous Crew, Composer, Himself, Archive Footage, Notable TV Guest Appearances

Notable TV Guest Appearances

"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (1993) playing "Himself" 17 June 2004
"Filmland" (2003) playing "Himself" (episode # 3.16) 26 May 2004
"4Pop" (2003) playing "Himself" in episode: "R'n'b haastaa iskelmän" (episode # 2.38) 23 May 2004
"Live with Regis and Kathie Lee" (1989) playing "Himself" 23 March 2004
"Late Show with David Letterman" (1993) playing "Himself" 22 March 2004
"Great Performances" (1972) playing "Mountie" in episode: "Concert for George" (episode # 29.8) 3 March 2004
"Celebrities Uncensored" (2003) playing "Himself" (archive footage) (episode # 1.15) 26 November 2003
"Tinseltown TV" (2002) playing "Himself" 2 August 2003
"Celebrities Uncensored" (2003) playing "Himself" (archive footage) (episode # 1.4) 9 July 2003
"Wetten, dass..?" (1981) playing "Himself" in episode: "Wetten, dass..? aus Böblingen" (episode # 1.140) 25 January 2003
"Life with Bonnie" (2002) playing "Himself" in episode: "What If?" (episode # 1.11) 26 November 2002
"Parkinson" (1971) playing "Himself" 21 September 2002
"Leute heute" (1997) playing "Himself" in episode: "Filmfestspiele Venedig" 2 September 2002
"Primetime Glick" (2001) playing "Himself" (episode # 2.1) 23 February 2002
"Tonight Show with Jay Leno, The" (1992) playing "Himself" 7 September 2001
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Himself" (uncredited) (episode # 26.11) 10 February 2001
"Breakfast" (2000) playing "Himself" 12 January 2001
"Inside the Actors Studio" (1994) playing "Himself" 12 December 1999
"Martin Short Show, The" (1999) playing "Himself" (episode # 1.4) 16 September 1999
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (1993) playing "Himself" 11 December 1998
"Famous Families" (1998) playing "Himself" in episode: "Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson: That Thing They Do" (episode # 1.3) 30 November 1998
"Extra Rosa" (1997) playing "Himself" 24 July 1998
"Dennis Miller Live" (1994) playing "Himself" in episode: "The Space Program" (episode # 5.23) 17 July 1998
"Harald Schmidt Show, Die" (1995) playing "Himself" 7 January 1997
"Rosie O'Donnell Show, The" (1996) playing "Himself" 2 October 1996
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Host" (episode # 22.1) 28 September 1996
"Naked Truth, The" (1995/I) playing "Himself" in episode: "Bald Star in Hot Oil Fest!" (episode # 1.2) 20 September 1995
"Late Show with David Letterman" (1993) playing "Himself" 16 December 1993
"Late Night with David Letterman" (1982) playing "Himself" 25 June 1993
"Fallen Angels" (1993) playing "Trouble Boy #1" in episode: "I'll Be Waiting"
"Tales from the Crypt" (1989) playing "Baxter" in episode: "None But the Lonely Heart" (episode # 4.1) 27 June 1992
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Host" (episode # 17.19) 9 May 1992
"Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, The" (1962) playing "Himself" 4 March 1992
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Host" (episode # 16.8) 8 December 1990
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Host" (episode # 15.13) 17 February 1990
"Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, The" (1962) playing "Himself" 4 August 1989
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Host" (episode # 14.1) 8 October 1988
"Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, The" (1962) playing "Himself" 22 July 1988
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Host" (episode # 13.12) 20 February 1988
"Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, The" (1962) playing "Himself" 8 August 1986
"Saturday Night Live" (1975) playing "Host" (episode # 11.5) 14 December 1985
"Late Night with David Letterman" (1982) playing "Himself" 20 August 1985
"Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, The" (1962) playing "Himself" 19 April 1984
"Family Ties" (1982) playing "Ned Donnelly" in episode: "Say Uncle" (episode # 2.14) 26 January 1984
"Family Ties" (1982) playing "Ned Donnelly" in episode: "The Fugitive: Part 2" (episode # 1.15) 26 January 1983
"Family Ties" (1982) playing "Ned Donnelly" in episode: "The Fugitive: Part 1" (episode # 1.14) 19 January 1983
"Happy Days" (1974) playing "Dwayne" in episode: "A Little Case of Revenge" (episode # 10.5) 9 November 1982
"Taxi" (1978) playing "Gordon" in episode: "The Road Not Taken: Part 1" (episode # 4.23) 29 April 1982
"Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, The" (1962) playing "Himself" 8 April 1982
"Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, The" (1962) playing "Himself" 4 February 1982
"Love Boat, The" (1977) playing "Rick Martin" in episode: "Friends and Lovers/Sergeant Bull/Miss Mother" (episode # 4.1) 25 October 1980

happy to help!:p

[quartersmostly]

Thank you for that "brief" history of the amazing career of Tom Hanks. Now I'm faced with the dilemma, do I rent "You've Got Mail" tonight or "A League of Their Own. "You've Got Mail" does have Parker Posie in it, but ALOTO (that's what my friends and I call it) has my favorite person ever Rosie O'donell as one of the rag tag bunch of women that come together to bring baseball to U.S. during a time of war. Bless those women for not denying our great country it's national pastime while the men fought for our freedom. Imagine a world without baseball. I dare you. Once you are able to stop sobbing remember the women that gave their lives so we could have baseball during the war. God bless those women and God bless America.

[Stabby]

this thread is two months old! i feel so stupid. I just read it from the beginning and I was like 'hey! i've heard those jokes before!' and they're very crazy fun unusal jokes too so i couldn't possibly imagine where i had heard them before and i was like 'who IS this agent_PUNT??' then I saw it was 2 months old and thought 'oh man i probably read them HERE 2 months ago! thats why!' So you can see why i felt real stupid there for a second.

thats all i had to say

[AndersLevant]

You can't spell Slaughter without L-A-U-G-H-T-E-R.

[3v3+Z]

And you can't spell "dizzy spell" without "spell".
And there would be no U.S.P.S. without letters!
And you wouldn't have Aaron Spelling without borderline-retarded network executives!!!

WHAT'S your FUCKING POINT?

[agent_PUNT]

slaughter without laugther. good.

[3v3+Z]

You can't spell "wisdom" without misspelling "dumb".

[DoctorDelicious]

Best thread resurrection....ever. Oh, yeah, and you cant spell resurrection without '*e**rection' somewhere in the middle of it.

[Roddimus]

you can't spell "casino boss" without "si, boss."