Condensed comedy

[CptPlanet]

Inspired by the 100 Greatest Stand-Ups thread (http://blowupthemoon.com/community/showthread.php?s=&threadid=423).

The idea is simple. Find shitty gimmicky comics and condense their entire career into a single sentence or paragraph. Or just don't respond and leave me to wallow in the embarassment of my failed thread.

Tim Allen:

Men like to hold the remote and work on cars and build cars that are powered by remotes just so we'll have one more remote to hold and also men like to crap and fart and burp hahaha right guys? Fellas, am I hitting the nail on the head or what? Speaking of nails men also like tools especially power tools.

Ray Romano:

Boy babies sure do make the cutest messes, don't they?! My wife did something funny the other day.

Joan Rivers:

Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk? Can we talk?

Jeff Foxworthy:

I drive a truck and live in a trailer just like all y'all. Thanks for spending two months worth of welfare checks to come see me. Remember to buy my new book. It's full of the same unfunny re-hashed bullshit that I've made a career out of.

-or-

You might be a douchebag if...

Jay Leno:

Hey guys, Monica Lewinsky is enough to make Osama bin Laden start taking Viagra!

Wanda Sykes:

Boy it sure is nice being a black female comic, I've got two angles from which to attack you with shamelessly unoriginal, depressingly unfunny, sup-par observational comedy. White people can't dance and men leave the toilet seat up goodnight folks!

Colin Quinn:

[mushmouthed stuttery bullshit] I should not be allowed to pick up a mic until I complete a speech therapy course and I should also stop being such a fat tool and give Jim Norton more screentime on my otherwise irredeemably shitty show.

Dom Irrera:
'Ey I'm eatin' a frickin' meatball sub ovah here.

[gerald hennessy]

the leno one made me laugh out loud

maybe a link to the list would help with more responses

[3v3+Z]

Jerry Seinfeld:

I mean HEY! Why can't Superman do something about airplane food??? I mean I wanna know. Who ARE these people???


Robin Williams:

...and he's like Elmer Fudd on crack! "Be veeewwwwy, vewwwy quiet!" And Popey's fucking Olive Oil! "Put your tits together and make one good one!" Oh! Look how tight my pants are! Can you tell what religion I am???


Sam Kinison:

BURN IN HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! DIE you NAZI BITCH CUNT WHOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH! OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!


Dennis Miller:

I'm gonna make an obscure reference to make myself seem smart, and it's for two reasons: One, I need to feel superior to you. I'm more insecure than the kid in "James at 15", okay. And that's PRE-blow job! And secondly, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm like Stephen Hawking politically insofar as I don't have a fucking LEG to STAND on! I need to intimidate people by tricking them into thinking I'm more informed than they are so that they don't start asking too many questions that I can't possibly answer. And in that regard, spelunking for useless trivia in the general vicinity of my anal sphincter is my modus operandi. I am my own proctologist and I am all too happy to put in overtime. Okay? So get off my freshly excavated ASS! I've got that detail COVERED! Okay, Weenie the Geenie?



Hey, this is FUN!

[3v3+Z]

Jay Leno:

I just read this in USA Today. Did you hear this? It said that Star Jones ATE Calista Flockhart! Yeah... so that's... And J-Lo's in the news again. Did you see this? I read this in USA Today. You know she's engaged again? Yes, apparently she's gonna MARRY her own ASS, ladies and gentlemen. So... Can we bring back the Dancing Itos???


George Burns:

At my age...


Andy Kaufman:

[sung while playing bongos] I'm annoying! I'm Annoying! No one's laughing! No one's laughing! You don't get it! You don't get it! It's pathetic! It's pathetic!

[chorus] You don't see - The irony - It's NEW comedy - 'Cuz it's not funny

I'm annoying! I'm annoying!


Martin Lawrence:

FUCK! [Audience falls out of their chairs, dances in aisles, screams and yells words -- and animal noises -- of encouragement for seven solid minutes until he tells his next "joke".] CUNT! [Repeat process until watching Sinbad doesn't seem like such a bad idea.]


Billy Crystal:

So here's a medly of...


Richard Lewis:

I don't know. So I'm having problems with intimacy. I can't even masturbate any more... It's too much commitment. It's too much commitment. I told my shrink. He SHRUGS his SHOULDERS, ladies and gentlemen! He SHRUGS his SHOULDERS! I'm like, "What's that? What's the shrugging?" He shrugs again and he offers me a drink! I'm a RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC!!! I'm neurotic! I'm obsessive compulsive! I've got ADHD! I'm...

[3v3+Z]

Adam Sandler:

Hey everybody! I'm CRAZY High-concept Man!!! Aw jabba GEEEEEEEEEEE! Aw jabba JOOOOOOOOOOO!


Tim Allen:

Men are PIGS! Right ladies? ARF! ARF! I've got a toaster with a HEMI!


Jeff Foxworthy:

If YOU'VE got a toaster with a HEMI...


Norm MacDonald:

O.J. ... Michael Jackson ... prison rape ... Germans love David Hasselhoff!


David Cross:

I mean, what the fuck is Bush's PROBLEM??? :p


Andrew "Dice" Clay:

[See Martin Lawrence. Replace "Def Comedy Jam" audience with Klansmen.]



That's all I got.

[CptPlanet]

3v3+Z: Thanks for tackling Dennis Miller like you're John Elway at Super Bowl XXXII.

Since it looks like we're not sticking exclusively to comics we hate, I'm going to try my hand at some more of these.


Sarah Silverman:

The only thing I hate more than niggers are sand niggers. Not that you give a shit because my tits are pushed together so far that it looks like a baby's ass is hanging out the front of my form fitting shirt/dress.

David Cross:

Wah wah The Bible and wah wah the war on terror.


Bill Hicks:

Wah wah The Bible and wah wah mushrooms are illegal.

Brian Regan:

HEY! I DON'T NEED TO USE CURSE WORDS BECAUSE I'VE GOT A LOUD GOOFY VOICE N' STUFF.

Jim Norton:

For some reason whenever I'm on Tough Crowd, I feel the need to save Colin Quinn from bombing in spite of the fact that he's about as funny as a fucking 3rd degree burn and he has his own show while I'm getting the shaft and no one even knows who the fuck I am.

Additionally, here's a story about one of the many women/children I've raped/murdered.

The assholes who threadspam/self-promote on these boards:

Hey guys I've got a hot tip about an up-and-coming comic named D.D. Woolsworth he's motherfreaking hilarious. He'll be playing the open mic night at the Melting Hill's Retirement Home & Grill in Nigger's Bend, Iowa on Tuesday September 25th 2008. Come see him if you want to get a glimpse of the ever changing face of standup! Come check him out!

[keepthechaaange]

Dane Cook

This joke would be so much better if I was YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I can't think of anymore. That Dom Irrera one was hilarious, though. Mostly because I hate him but it was still brilliant.

[Dobbs]

Pauly Shore

I'm the weeeeasel, buddy... (My mom owns The Comedy Store and has a fuck of a lot of connections in the entertainment industry.) I'm the weeeeasel, buddy...

[CptPlanet]

Jerry Falwell

This thread needs a revival!

[Pali]

Woody Allen

So I'd first like to say that I'm glad you turned up, I had a terrible experience with audiences as a child, my father forced me to busk in the heart of Brooklyn reenacting the holocaust. My father never treated me well, first time I ever did a show, he came back stage afterwards, patted me on the back, and then tried to sell me his watch.


Eddie Izzard

oooo jam jam jam on my spoon of death. Look! at my wavey hand motions. I'm a lesbian, and yet, a MAN MADE OF JAM.




I don't get this thread.

[Stabby]

Ron White

arf arf arf arf arf arf.

Larry the Cable Guy

gabba-gabba hay

Ralphie that Fat Guy

Gimme food!

Joey Dumb-dumb

Nobody put any ice cream in their britches.

Stinky Wizzlestein

Whats that you are a jerk haha i knew it.

mr president

califorKNEEya more like coo coo land

[apotatojudge]

These are great.

I have a story about Carrot Top.

This lady, Amy (my sister-in-law's sister), her best friend in college, Michelle, was the director of student affairs, and she booked Carrot Top for a show at the college. This is about eight years ago. Anyway, the girl would always take the people she booked out for drinks/dinner and show them around the city and college and stuff. So this girl takes Carrot Top to dinner and they find out they "have a lot in common" (?!?!?) and so he requests that they go back to his hotel room... and masturbate in front of each other!!!! And they did.

How does one, a girl, make herself come whilst watching Carrot Top masturbate?! Fucking CARROT TOP.


The end.

[3v3+Z]

Scott 'Carrot Top' Thompson (yes, that IS his real name) is actually a REALLY muscular dude!

[apotatojudge]

YES, this may be...

but he's got bright orange hair, wears eye makeup, and the kicker - he's not fucking funny.

masturbating for/with blueberry head though, that's a different story.

[Pali]

Am I the only one here who actually likes Norm Macdonald? I find it hard to dislike someone who obviously takes so little interest in life.

And I'm really not sure what to say about that Carrot Top thing. Except of course, why the fuck would two people want to masturbate to the sight of each other masturbating. Surely it's quicker (and cleaner) to just have sex.

[3v3+Z]

[list=1]
Norm RULES!
SAFETY!
[/list=1]

By the way, aren't the tops of carrots GREEN? Yes. Yes they are.

[Pali]

Yes but his top is the colour of carrots. BURN!

[apotatojudge]

Norm Macdonald is awesome.

Mos' def' the best Weekend Update anchor.

This is kind of off topic, but not really 'cause it has to do with Dennis Miller. So, I guess I could just erase where I said that it's off-topic, but it's too late now.

Anyway, I was reading an article in Maxim with Johnny Mac and they asked him how he thinks his show will do since it follows Miller's show. He said that they were good friends, but then said he thought it was really lame that all of a sudden Dennis Miller changed his politics. I thought that was awesome.

John McEnroe is awesome. and hot! Too bad his show sucks.

[3v3+Z]

I don't know that DM's politics have really changed all that much, though you're certainly not the first person I've heard allege that. Looky here (http://blowupthemoon.com/community/showthread.php?s=&threadid=757) and we'll bring the linkage full circle.

[tjamick]

i jacked off in robin williams hair while billy crystal, snoop dog, and gallager rubbed him down with tea-tree oil.

[Stabby]

i kissed bobcat goldthwait on the head!! true story
and i got a how ya doin from jackie mason and drank lots beers with otto of otto and george and other stuff too.

[Treebeard]

Everyone On This Message Board

One time I fucked this unattractive celebrity. Also, I hate Jesus. In other news, everytime a girl talks to me on the internet I splooge in my shorts.

[Pali]

Speak for yourself why don't you treebeard. BURN!

Also, I'd like to say that I don't hate Jesus. It's just those fucking christians I hate.

[agent_PUNT]

Come to think of it, I too don't hate Jesus. Religion isn't as bad as the people who preach it.

I guess I owe Jesus an apology. Is he in heaven or hell?

Christian Comdey:

Gump For President!

(imagine that!)

[CptPlanet]

Originally posted by Treebeard
Everyone On This Message Board

One time I fucked this unattractive celebrity. Also, I hate Jesus. In other news, everytime a girl talks to me on the internet I splooge in my shorts.

ah cram it, bitchy.

[tjamick]

jim norton:
i hate jews [laughter] and women[more laughter] and black people[even more more laughter] i'm kidding, i'm not a rascist, but isnt racsist humor hilaruious and edgy, and thats why its all i do!

dave attel:
arent midgets awsome?[laughter] i mlove to get drunk in one city and wake up in another [more laughter] now i'm gonna go to a whole buch of shitty tourist traps and frat party's, but do it at night and call it a comedy show.