Hacks Only!

[Willard Scott]

Yeah, so I'm driving around today, I'm on a bit of a business-related cross country road trip right now, I'm on the freeway, and I see this sign just before I get to an overpass that says, "BRIDGE MAY BE ICY"! Excuse me? It's 87º Fahrenheit outside! You know what? I think I'll take my chances! I mean, geeze.

['BEAN' SILLY]

"May be Icy?" Ha. I was driving through Mexiciano City, May-he-co, and all the signs said 'Bridge may be SPICY!" haha nah I'm just joshin'...hard workers...

[agent_PUNT]

So Michael Jackson got off scott free today!

Yeah, so that's the kids name. Scott Free.

[Willard Scott]

Hey, that reminds me, I'm reading my "USA Today" and they're saying something about some guy named Jack Abramoff. To be honest, I can't remember what the heck the story was about because all I could think about was, "Hey, who's ABRAM?"




...ABRAM...






...is this on?

[TomWopat]

So I was talking to a co-worker today and she told me a story about some Mexicans drowning in the Rio Grande on the way to Texas.

"Lady," I said.

"Mexican? More like, 'Mexican't swim!'"

[3v3+Z]

HA! Okay, okay, le'me see if I can do this...

So, I'm in this furniture store, right? I'm looking at occasional tables, okay? You know... END tables... COFFEE tables... OCCASIONAL tables! That's just what they're called. You with me? ANYWAY, so some dude comes up to me and he says, "Can I hellllllllllp yooooooooou?????" So I'm all like, "Yeah! What's the difference between an OCCASIONAL table and a PERIODIC table?" So the guy says to me -- check this out -- he says, "Well, an occasional table is where you put your periodicals, whereas a periodic table is pretty much good for ALL occasions!" So I shot him, the end!!

Oh! I fucking SUCK at this!!

[aw!tte]

So I'm driving back from Mexico and the border patrol stops my car.

The inspections officer leans in the window and asked, "Do you have anything to declare?"

"Absolutely," I said, "I felt sorry for the girl I just saw sucking off the donkey for the pesos we'd throw at her head, but I declare that your missus deserves a Nobel for blowing your ugly ass!"

[AHK86]

So there is this Asian man who goes to a currency exchange booth in America. He gives the teller 2000 yen and the teller gives him 10$ and tells him to enjoy his stay in the U.S. 3 weeks later the Asian man comes back to the same teller and again gives him 2000 yen but this time only gets back 8$ and the Asian man says "I got ten dollars last time what happened?" the teller then says "fluctuations" so the Asian man says " well fluc-you-americans too".

[Willard Scott]

WOW! Hey, AHK! I think you've found your niche. Good on you, my friend.

And a note to 3+3=V: That's not really hacky. It's not stupidly simple enough to be "hacky". Although you seem to have the not-funny part down pat. No! I'm kidding. Please don't take that seriously.

[3v3+Z]

It's "3v3+Z", actually. You can call me "Steve". Anyway, yeah, I see your point. I don't wanna cross a line and offend you, Willard, but haven't there been some jokes that are kind of related to you that some might perceive as kind of "hacky"? Again, I don't wanna go too far...

[Willard Scott]

Originally posted by 3v3+Z
It's "3v3+Z", actually. You can call me "Steve". Anyway, yeah, I see your point. I don't wanna cross a line and offend you, Willard, but haven't there been some jokes that are kind of related to you that some might perceive as kind of "hacky"? Again, I don't wanna go too far...
Are you talking about the old "fat weatherman" jokes? Like, "Is there a rule somewhere that all weathermen have to be freakin' HUGE?" That kind of thing? Look, don't worry about it. I know I'm not a svelte young man with a full head of hair. I'm comfortable with all that. Believe me, I've heard it ALL before. Do your worst! Have fun!

[3v3+Z]

Oh, COOL! Thanks! I mean, I wasn't gonna say anything mean spirited though. I was actually thinking about a comedian years ago who had a joke about your toupee. How one day you'd wear the wig, the next day you were bald, then you'd have the wig on again. He said something about you'd essentially wear it like a HAT. I can't remember the exact wording, or even who said it for that matter.

[Willard Scott]

Originally posted by 3v3+Z
Oh, COOL! Thanks! I mean, I wasn't gonna say anything mean spirited though. I was actually thinking about a comedian years ago who had a joke about your toupee. How one day you'd wear the wig, the next day you were bald, then you'd have the wig on again. He said something about you'd essentially wear it like a HAT. I can't remember the exact wording, or even who said it for that matter.
Yes, I remember that well! Though, sad to say, I can't recall who said it, either! Funny, you'd think I'd remember that. But he pretty much had it spot on, actually. That was exactly my attitude towards the toupee. I stopped wearing it altogether several years ago now. But yeah, it was basically a "hat". :p

EDIT: Hey, I just figured out your name, Steve! That's pretty clever.

[agent_PUNT]

ps, if you're gonna be hacky, can you atleast make up your own hacky jokes instead of just repeating other hacky jokes.

That goes for all the mexican jokes.

Besides, hacks usually aren't going with race jokes. unless they are not white in which case they are making fun of their own race in a hack form or they are making fun of whites in a hack form.


So, Fabio is back in the news, or as I like to call him "the dumb Arnold Shwarzenegger"

hu-zah!

[TomWopat]

Mine just so happened to involve Mexicans only because I needed something pertaining to swiming that ended with "can" (Yeah, I coulda used American but it's too late now).

Or, in other words, so I heard Tom Cruise is getting all preachy with reporters. If he keeps this up, we might have to call him Tom SNOOZE!

[AHK86]

I'd figure 3v3+z would be great at this since he is one of the most unfunny people i've ever come across.

[teengirlsquad]

This person is on your Ignore List. To view this post click [here]

now that i have you on ignore i think you are the cutest!

[scotch-romanian]

This person is on your Ignore List. To view this post click [here]this is the funniest thing he's ever said.

[agent_PUNT]

AHK: that would mean that we are all unfunny on this website, because Steve is a favorite of just about everyone.

Therefore you are a comedian genius who will never be understood by us.

So, it's sad to say that maybe you should go find a place where people will appreciate you.

[AHK86]

Originally posted by agent_PUNT
AHK: that would mean that we are all unfunny on this website, because Steve is a favorite of just about everyone.


Why is he special or something? Unless you favor dull as hell people I don't see that is so. On top of that he started it :D

Originally posted by 3v3+Z
Wow. How is it that have I not yet contributed to this thread? Maybe because I can't think of something to say that doesn't sound as trite as "you go, girl". But seriously, you go, girl.

....pretty fucking hilarious now that I take a second look at him. Now I see why he is a professional forum poster. The title of "successful person" doesn't do him justice.

[AHK86]

Originally posted by teengirlsquad
now that i have you on ignore i think you are the cutest!

It kinda cancels out the point of using an ignore list if your just going to read my message and respond to that. But then again im talking to you.

[Willard Scott]

My brother just told me a great joke.

A penis is the sadest thing on earth.
It has a head but can't think.
An eye but can't see.
When it gets excited it throws up.
It's two buddies are nuts.
It's neighbor is an asshole.
And it's best friend is a pussy.

[Mencia]

Why is everybody getting checked at the airport? Even if that Mexican DOES hijack a plane, where's he GOING? He's already HERE!

I'm TIRED of ugly chicks that wear shirts that say "CUTIE"!

Yeah, I said it. But you were TINKIN' it!!

[Brain Stew]

OMG! Carlos Mencia is amongst us!

Please, Carlos, could you give us an amusing thought about skinny girls?

[scotch-romanian]

I can't wait to watch that guy's show.

[Brain Stew]

Originally posted by scotch-romanian
I can't wait to watch that guy's show.
Me neither....




WAIT FOR IT





...to see how bad it is.


WHO'S THE HACK NOW?

[klaus_kinski]

Originally posted by AHK86
It kinda cancels out the point of using an ignore list if your just going to read my message and respond to that. But then again im talking to you.

AHK86, maybe you can help me. A while back I came here saying that I would post oftenly and try to learn as much as I can. I learned HTML within a day or 2 after I began posting here and said I would continue to learn more. I had a lot happen for me lately and kind of lost track of what I was doing.

I'm back on track now. I learned more in depth HTML and advanced commands. Then I covered XHHTML, JavaScript, CSS (mostly) and I want to learn XML now. I came here because although I found a website I could use to study online scripts I haven't found a place where I can learn programs (online and offline both). Does anyone have a suggestion. I wanted to start learning CGI in the future.

[Mencia]

Originally posted by Brain Stew
Please, Carlos, could you give us an amusing thought about skinny girls? Believe me, you will hear PLENTY of funny stuff if you watch my show tonight -- it airs at 9:30/10:30 eastern on Comedy Central and it's going to be broadcast NATIONALLY. That reminds me, when was the last time a Mexican was allowed into this many living rooms?

But seriously, guys... make sure you're next to your television sets when this thing airs. Unless you have BROWN skin, in which case you'll have to make friends with someone who OWNS a television set!!

Yes, I'm outspoken. D-E-A-L with it.

[Brain Stew]

Originally posted by klaus_kinski
Does anyone have a suggestion. I wanted to start learning CGI in the future.
My only suggestion is: don't learn CGI. It's becoming more and more pointless due to PHP and ASP.NET. These two server-side coding languages are really making it easier to do amazing stuff with websites.

If you have an experience with OOP (Object Oriented Programming), I'd make an effort to learn ASP.NET via C# (which is Microsoft's take on C++) or even Visual Basic.NET.
I haven't ever programmed PHP, but I hear it's easy AND FREE!

[AHK86]

Originally posted by Willard Scott
My brother just told me a great joke.

A penis is the sadest thing on earth.
It has a head but can't think.
An eye but can't see.
When it gets excited it throws up.
It's two buddies are nuts.
It's neighbor is an asshole.
And it's best friend is a pussy.

It's to bad you don't have a brain otherwise you could enjoy fine humor :).

And Brain Stew don't be fooled be klaus' post hes not planing on making an attempt to learn anything. His last post was aimed towards me.

[HurricaneDennis]

Am I the only one who's noticed that the name Mencia is dangerously close to MENSA? Hey, buddy, I don't know if it's such a good idea to use the title of your show to draw attention to what may or may not be going on inside your MIND, okay Pablo?

Look, I don't wanna get off on a rant here, but hackneyed comedians are a dime a dozen. And, if I may quote professional wrestler Fred Blassie from his hit novelty song "Pencil Neck Geek", "I'm lookin' for the guy who's supplying the dimes"!

The thing is, not all hackery is BAD. Case and point, Jerry Seinfeld. If you watch his old standup now, like from before he got his sitcom, he seems like the biggest hack in the UNIVERSE! But he wasn't. He was good. But he was doing something that was easy to copy. So a lot of people did. A whole lot. Easily 9 out of 10 comedians that you saw on TV in the mid to late 80s were doing Seinfeld impressions. Hey, I fell into that trap myself! If the bloody glove fits, then I'll bloody well wear it.

But I'm not giving a pass to everyone. No-sir-ee Bobcat. (Sorry, Bobby. You know I love ya, babe. Just had to go for the easy joke, there. This IS, after all, the hack rant.) At any rate, here are a few tell-tale signs to see if you're... a BAD hack: If your standup deals with subject matter discussed in ANY -- and I mean ANY -- of the late night talk show hosts' monologues, you might be a bad hack. If you're using ANY kind of props on stage, even if it's literally a crutch... then chances are good, you just might possibly be... a bad hack. If you think it might be funny to rip off a gag from someone who was in "The Blue Collar Comedy Tour"... Then here's yer god-dang SIGN!

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong. Git 'er DONE!!

[5InchTaint]

Originally posted by HurricaneDennis
And, if I may quote professional wrestler Fred Blassie from his hit novelty song "Pencil Neck Geek", "I'm lookin' for the guy who's supplying the dimes"!

Aaahhh, Classy Freddie Blassie, the self proclaimed 'King of Men'. Now there's a reference I can get excited about.

[3v3+Z]

Originally posted by HurricaneDennis
Easily 9 out of 10 comedians that you saw on TV in the mid to late 80s were doing Seinfeld impressions.
That's almost as high as the percentage of people who were doing Nicholson impressions. (http://funandmagic.com/sounds/enema.wav)

[ME!!!!]

Originally posted by HurricaneDennis
okay Pablo?

Racist undertones....

[3v3+Z]

Originally posted by ME!!!!
Racist undertones....
I suspect that Mr. Dennis was referring to this (http://www.tv.com/a.k.a.-pablo/show/2232/summary.html). Then again, "...I could be wrong".

[MR.Carlin toYOU]

Originally posted by ME!!!!
Racist undertones....
Undertones. That's a strange word, isn't it?

Don't forget to wear clean undertones, little Buford!

Ay, FUCK you, Ma!!!!

And then there's... OVERtones! Oooooh! Hey, wait a minute. Wait just a goddamn MINUTE here! Aren't "overtones" and "undertones" more or less the SAME THING? Shouldn't they be OPPOSITES! I mean, "over" and "under" are opposites, right? So why the fuck should they all of a sudden NOT be opposites just because you tack a little TOOOOOOOONE on the end? And where the fuck are all the in-between-tones? I want some goddamn in-between-tones! After all, it's almost Mother's Day! Makes a great gift. And it goes well with two-tone SHOES!!