Hi everyone.

[Led]

Hi everyone im new to the forum and i figured id introduce myself with a joke ;)

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on
their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first
love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state,
he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time
they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it
was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.


Arriving home around noon one day, she found her
husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few
minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin
caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a
50 year old executive.


Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits
and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward
the local bank while handing him stock certificates
worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that
he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told
him that for 30 years she had charged him each time
they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head
against the side of the car.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good
news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing,
I would have given you all of my business!

[freetibetwpurch]

i like that it reads like a letter from charles schwab.

without the payoff!

[teengirlsquad]

my jewish stepdad told me this joke it was funnier when he told it because he's almost legally a senior and legally jewish. it does remind me of the joke; the musical about the 3 holes ..ha... "It was funny and it taught us an important lesson about holes."

[Mang0]

welcome.

[scotch-romanian]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?



He wiped!

[Mang0]

What's brown and walks into coffee tables?

Jordans baby.

Thinking about it this joke probably doesn't make much sense outside the uk.

[guttersnipe1711]

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."

"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.

"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're drunk."

[guttersnipe1711]

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"

[Mang0]

Re-issue

[Mang0]

As one of a very few Englishmen on this board I feel I should uphold the tradition of irish jokes.

THE BEST IRISH JOKE SO FAR THIS YEAR:
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at
the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his
wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said,
"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh,
that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into
one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with
a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four
years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the
ears to make him come."

[Pali]

You're a disgrace to the race. That's right, I went there. You can thank me later.

I don't get the Jordan joke though.

[Mang0]

Originally posted by Pali
You're a disgrace to the race. That's right, I went there. You can thank me later.

I don't get the Jordan joke though.

That can only be to your credit.

As for disgrace, tish and phipsy. I'm upholding traditional values.

To explain - she had a blind baby called harvey with dwight yorke.

Blind because she carried on taking class A drugs and rolling out of night clubs with her tits hanging out, pissed up to fuck. And didn't get a slating from the press for permanently damaging a child that is doomed with shit parents anyway.

You've gotta love the sun.

No wait. Hate it.

[tjamick]

here are a list of british jokes that i'm making up as i go.

Why are british people so ugly?
It's their Jeans!!!

How many brits does it take to fill a phone booth?
It depends on their size!

how many brits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
71!

I'll make up some more later. damn, its hard to be so funny all the time!

[Mang0]

We still use candles you fuckwit

[tjamick]

thats why its so absurdly funny.

[Mang0]

Festive party at a private club: $400.00

Ordering snacks for party: $250.00

Beer, wine, and liquor: 350.00

Private stripper nude: $75.00 per hour

Grandma gets drunk n horny and caught on camera = PRICELESS

Goddammit can't attach file cos it's too large!!!!


Bastard bastard bastard!!

[Mang0]

Sorted. Had to trim the crowd of grey haired letches.

[Brain Stew]

Why did the woman have trouble with the math problem?
Because she's a woman and doesn't understand complex thought.

Why did the hippie shower?
Bush won :mad:.

Why did the man have sex with another man?
Because he was paid to.

[Pali]

Why was the lady unhappy?

Because I raped her.



It takes a while, but once you get it, it's hilarious.

[fritter]

a fag walks into a fag bar, sees a fag standing at the bar, walks over and asks him if he can push in his stool.


it doesn't take long, but the payoff is minimal.

[CptPlanet]

what do you get when you cross a kitty cat and a little bunny?

STOMACH CANCER FAGGOT!

[Willard Scott]

...so the guy says, "Well, of course you know, nature abhors a vacuum." So I said, "Yeah? So's my WIFE!" :p

[teengirlsquad]

Outer space is a giant vacuum. Outer space is infinitely larger than Earth, so 99.9999999...% of our universe is a vacuum. Based on this, it might be better to say that "nature loves a vacuum!"

oh shit that really doesn't work either does it?

[Willard Scott]

So basically, everything sucks.


















...Except my WIFE! :p

[teengirlsquad]

"...93% of wives responding reported having engaged in cunnilingus and 91% had engaged in fellatio. They concluded from this response that, "Today it is clear that if the sexual revolution has occurred anywhere, it is in the practice and acceptance of oral sex. Among people under age twenty-five, it is virtually a universal part of the sexual relationship."


looks like everyone and everything else is getting sucked but you!

[teengirlsquad]

i really want to get to my 100th post... the suspense is eating me away

[Willard Scott]

Originally posted by teengirlsquad
i really want to get to my 100th post... the suspense is eating me away
















Nah. Too easy.


















Then again, so's my WIFE! BOO-yah!!!

[tjamick]

oh, willard scott, you are a comic's comic!

[Mang0]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says "f**king hell.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[ME!!!!]

Bravo....Bravo!