the Greatest Bill Hick's Quote...

[scotch-romanian]

these boards have been screaming in desperation recently... so i thought i might try and brighten everyone's day with a good ol' quote from God himself.

Bill is onstage in Pittsburgh catering to the empty heads of "the worst fucking audience he's ever faced", who clearly are taking for granted the brilliance being exposed to them. After telling them what a shitty audience they are, and getting a "Sorry!" from an audience member, Bill replies:

"That's all right, that's all right. No. Listen folks, here's the deal. I know you're getting concerned and let me assure you right now... there are dick jokes on the way. Relax, I'm a professional... Here's the deal, I editorialize for forty minutes -- the last ten minutes we pull our chutes and float down to Dick Joke Island together, OK? And we will rest our weary heads against the big purple, thick-veined trunks of dick jokes, and we will sit it in our comfy beanbag-scrotum chairs, and giggle away the dawn like good American audiences... K? Penis jokes are coming, relax. I understand what country I'm in."

that's from the Flying Saucer Tour album. check it out!!

[tjamick]

that album made me ashamed to live here. i was talking to my cousins father-in-law a few days ago and we were joking around and i told him that i "do" stand up. he goes to me "about 10 years ago i was at a club watching a comedian and i didnt laugh one time. finally i said to him 'you're really not that funny you know'"
i asked him who the comedian was, but he couldnt remember. i was really hoping that it wasnt hicks, because i remember an audiance member saying something along those lines, and that show was about 10 years ago...

i have alot of favorite jokes/quotes, but one of my favorites is "do any women NOT like giving head? seriously? i asked that at a show one time and a woman in the audiance screamed "have you ever tried it?" "yeah- and i nearly broke my neck."

and

"maybe the reason jesus hasnt come back yet is because of all you people wearing crosses. he doesnt want the first thing he see's when he comes back to earth be a cross around some ones neck. thats like walking up to Jackie O. with a rifle pendant on saying "just keeping the memory alive."

[scotch-romanian]

yes, those are classic bits, of course. i posted the "Dick Joke Island" thing because i just recently heard it for the first time, and from what i can gather, that's the only recording of that he's ever done... plus it's priceless.

EDITED FOR PROPER NOUNS.

[CptPlanet]

I can't do it justice by simple typing, but the Rush Limbaugh bit was the absolute most horrifically funny thing I've ever heard. I still collapse with laughter every time I hear it, when he gets to the words "Ballless scrotum."

God damn I wish Bill Hicks was still around to take on the current administration.

[peanut]

i've seeen aliens! i only by smokes that say you can get low birth weight! republicans suck!